I am 19 years old, graduated just last year, and I am completely out to almost everyone I know. I’ve been told I don’t know what I want because I’m just a teenager and it’s just a phase. But ever since I was little I always noticed that while other girls were giggling over the new boy or playing on the swing set, I was beating up the boys and playing with little bugs. When I was younger I didn’t know the words ‘lesbian’ or ‘bisexual’ but I knew the word homosexual and I didn’t even know what it meant. I was only ever told that it was a mental disorder and was something I should hope I didn’t ‘catch’.
My First Kiss
I never knew why I didn’t think guys were so great and always felt weird when we had to pair up to learn a dance or something. I liked hanging out with guys, I just never thought they were cute or fun to be around. I couldn’t tell anyone that I thought girls were cute and always just wanted to play with them because I didn’t know that’s what it was.
My first actual kiss with a girl was with one of my best friends at the time but I didn’t think anything of it because I’d seen girls give each other little kisses all the time. When I was 10 I had my first boyfriend, we never held hands, we never kissed, and we never did anything that would signify we were dating what so ever. After about two and a half years I told him I was sorry but we really were just good friends and we weren’t really dating anyways. He agreed and we’re still friends to this day. When I was 13 I had my first kiss with a boy, it was like I felt nothing, I mean I definitely didn’t want another one, but girls my age were supposed to be kissed by guys, so I went along with it. Finally when I hit 15 I went to put on a performance and was meeting two other girls in our group when I met her. She was a cute girl about my height, my age exactly with short sandy blonde hair and the clearest blue eyes I’d ever seen. The only thing was I didn’t even notice her I was so wrapped up in getting our dance moves right. Later on after the performance the girl asked me to come to the arcade with her and dink around for a little bit. So over that weekend we talked and had a great time.
Over the next week or so we talked almost every day on the phone and on the computer. And we were joking around like normal and I said she was mine jokingly, she asked me then “If I’m yours then why don’t you go out with me?” I literally stopped breathing for who knows how long. I didn’t know what to say or do, or even think. So I asked her to give me until that Friday when I went over to her house. I’d never thought of going out with girls but between the time we hung out and when she asked me that, I had kissed her a few times randomly, just innocent little kisses. And as slow as I am I didn’t put two and two together that this was my first real crush, and that I really liked her.
So when I went over to her place that Friday her best friend asked if we were official now, the girl said she didn’t know but she hoped so. She looked to me and I told her she was right. We went out for about a year and a half before my mom finally found out. At first my mom was terrified and told me I didn’t know what I was doing. Now however she tells me if I’m stressed then I probably just need a girlfriend. Me and my first girlfriend went out for three whole years before she finally told me she didn’t love me anymore. In those three years she cheated on me twice, I forgave her twice, she hurt me in more ways than I could ever imagine, but I was so in love with her I could forgive anything as long as she stayed with me. I’ve had three girlfriends since her, but still I’ve yet to feel the intense and unconditional love I felt for my blonde, blue eyed lover.
Today I am out to pretty much my entire family, no one I know outside my family doesn’t know, and I am happily single at the moment. I am in college and focusing on myself for now, but I’m still always open to sweet loving girls who like me for me. I am a full-blown bisexual who’s not ashamed to admit it.